I feel amazing when… 

… Bear is pleased with me. I’m pretty content most of the time. I quite like my job, I have a comfortable home, and I regularly get to hang out with the most awesome six-year-old in the world. I am happy. But I don’t really feel like am amazing unless I am with my Bear. There is nothing quite like the sense of satisfaction I get when I make him cum. I love that feeling you get that you can’t describe, the one all other subs know and nobody else can understand. The thrill when he tells me that I belong to him. Being his sub is probably the thing I feel I do best. 

I’m a good mum, but any parent knows that you are always aware of the mistakes you have made, the shortcuts we all take sometimes. I could be better, and will always try to be, but I will never be satisfied that I can stop trying. Which is not to say that I am complacent when it comes to being a good submissive, just that I have more confidence. I know when I have made him happy, and I bask in it. His praise makes me glow like nothing else, because I don’t have to question it, or qualify it in my mind. 

I did at first, when we were still learning each other. This is my first (hmm, first implies that I am expecting there to be a second and third. Only?) BDSM relationship. Before Bear and I clicked and decided to meet, I had talked with several potential Doms and they always wanted something I wasn’t confident I could give; high heels, which is definitely not me, or strict rules about waxing and physical appearance, which I didn’t feel were practical for a working mum on a tight budget. Especially one as low-maintenance (lazy) as me. 

If these interactions had progressed to something more, I would have tried. That’s sort of the point, after all. But I didn’t have any confidence that I could do it and so it was a relief when they all came to nothing. But with Bear, it’s so different. 

When we play, I feel like it comes naturally to me, and he communicates so well I never have hesitation or doubts that I am doing it right. I can do this, and do it well. Every little stroke he gives me, every time he says I’ve been a good girl, I know he is proud of me and that makes me proud of myself.

I wasn’t particularly sexually adventurous in my youth. I wouldn’t say I was repressed, but I was always a little too self-conscious to really throw myself into it. Plus, I understand now that I wasn’t getting what I needed back then, and I always felt slightly removed from the experience. I wouldn’t have described myself as a very sexual person. But now, with Bear and the BDSM, that feels very different. On the surface nothing much has changed, but when it’s just us, as Dom and sub, he makes me feel so deliciously slutty and filthy. I love being his slut, and knowing that he likes me that way. I don’t feel awkward or ridiculous or ashamed.  I believe him when he tells me he thinks I’m sexy, so I feel sexy with him. That is not something I have felt before, and it makes me feel amazing. 

I feel amazing when… I bet you can guess.

Now this blog post could go a number of ways. Once again I could just list things which cub does that makes me feel amazing, I could look into a couple of things more closely and analyse why I find them brilliant or I could start with the prompt and end up somehow completely different. So let’s see where we go today.

Let’s be clear right off the bat I have depression. I have had it a while and find it can swing from debilitating to annoying and anywhere in between. Back in the day it was really bad, there were times when the darkness would come over me and I would really not want to continue with life. The only thing that kept me going was my kids.

With the recent high profile suicides of two rock stars, this got me thinking about this post, life and everything in-between. I thought I had my depression down and knew the reasons for it. I thought a change in my circumstances would help me get back to the person I used to be.

That has not gone to plan as much as I had hoped. There are still times when I feel low and the black of the world comes back and bites me in the arse but I will admit these days a fewer and further between now. The changes I have made have helped a great deal. I know when I am heading towards the pit and can often concentrate on changing directions, so while not heading down the pit, I just circle by it and wave at how bad it could have been.

Other changes to my life have been cub. She has been there for me, not just helping me but trying to understand what it’s like being me and encouraging me to be the better person I know I can be. Without cub I would be in a very different place to I am now. So to answer the question I feel amazing when… it’s all the time with cub. Cheesy but bloody true.

There are more challenges to come and cub has already be a wonderful help with some of this already. I often feel stupid and silly for some of the thoughts I have. Yet cub is brilliant and amazing and helps we get a grip on these and points me in the right direction. With her help I will over come the next set of whatevers.

So on reflection the post did not go as I had thought it would. I also decided not to review any of it, as I would no doubt change elements and take out some of the more open bits. Which I think would go against the spirit of what I want to say. So please excuse the grammar, spelling and typos as this is a raw as I want to make things at this time.

 

I crave….

Crave is, to me, one of those strange words that quickly loses its meaning and becomes just a noise. Let’s take a look at it…

crave

kreɪv

verb 

feel a powerful desire for (something).

  1. synonyms: long for, yearn for, hunger for, thirst for, dream of, want, set one’s heart on, wish for, lust after, covet, desire. 

Those are some good synonyms. Strong words that convey a primal urgency, the sense that nothing else will satisfy. There is always something a little bit sordid about craving something. Nobody feels that raw need for something they are supposed to want, for something that is allowed. It’s always reserved for the illicit indulgences and forbidden pleasures, continuing that eternal connection between food and sex.

So, what do I crave? Besides chocolate truffles, I mean.

I crave my Bear. Of course I do, and not just because of the wonderful things we do together. Everything is better with him. He makes me laugh, and makes me think, and keeps me calm when I would panic. When I feel his arms around me after we have been apart, everything else goes quiet and I realise how on edge I have been without him. I love being with him, and get as close as possible, snuggled up next to him.  We just spent a weekend together, three whole nights, but I couldn’t kiss him. It was remarkably difficult to be so close to him but have to keep that distance.

I crave the things he says to me when we play. When he tells me what he wants to do to me, the ways he is going to use me. I love it when he asks me who I belong to, and reminds me of my purpose. His voice changes when he is in Dominant mode, even when he’s keeping his voice quiet. There’s something about it that makes it firmer, more insistent. Everything he says in that voice gets me wet.

I crave feeling subby. Following on from the last one, I love that feeling when he tells me he’s going to do whatever he wants to me, because I’m his to play with. It makes me feel little and vulnerable in some ways, because I need him to control me. But at the same time it makes me feel strong and valuable, because I know I can be what he needs. I feel so proud to be his sub, so proud of the pleasure and satisfaction I can bring him. When we can’t play for a while, even if we have spent time together, I miss that feeling so much.

I crave the way he holds me. After our years together he knows what I need when I’m finding it hard to cum. He understands better than I do, that I need him to hold me down, control me. Even with his permission and encouragement, it’s like I need to physically feel his dominance before my mind will let it happen.

And cheese. A lovely sharp cheddar, melted, with something Branston pickle. Mmmm…

This bear craves 

Crave:

verb (used with object), craved, crav·ing.

  1. to long for; want greatly; desire eagerly: to crave sweets; to crave affection.
  2. to require; need: a problem craving prompt attention.

There are many things which I crave on a daily, weekly and monthly basis. Not sure there are any yearly ones, well apart from turkey on Christmas day but I sometimes want turkey in July… Mmm dry meat. Anyway, I guess as this is not a cookery blog I better talk about something a little deeper.

As you will know I don’t live with cub. We live around 90 minutes apart. This means the first thing I crave will be her, her cuddles, her body, her mind, her mouth, her cunt and her eggs… Man she has lots of eggs. So many things to do with eggs, I do like a nice hard-boiled egg but I digress.

Being with cub makes me so happy and takes me away from the humdrum of life. So, when I crave her and the things listed I also crave time away from life. A time when we are just us and other things don’t matter… most of the time. Sure, life often throws up shit, but we deal and move on. Again, I digress. Let’s go back to craves and let’s go big

I crave an easy life. One not filled with drama, heartache and stress. A life where things are not a struggle and come easily and naturally. Where the people around me are happy and chilled.  Where I can make people’s lives even happier than I can now. That’s not too much to ask?

Moving on to food cravings. Having never been pregnant (yes, I know not every pregnant person gets cravings) I don’t really get then. Sure, there are times I would like a certain food or liquid. Yet most of the time I’m not banging down the door to get my hands on it. This goes with my generally chilled nature.

Part of this chilled life, beings me back to cub. This weekend I craved one thing above all things. Kisses. We couldn’t have them at all, which was difficult to deal with. There is nothing like a good kiss and cub is a good kisser. So, while I do not crave this often as I can have itu any time I see her, last week it was a craving, a need and certainly a want.

There you have it. I am not sure you have learnt anything this time around but it might have filled a few minutes while you wait for the kettle to boil. Either way thanks for stopping by

Things I value about myself are….

This month’s prompt was a deliberately chosen to push both cub and I into some deeper writing. It will also mean, if followed to the letter a more open conversation might follow in the post and offline. Then not forgetting cub might realise she is awesome.

In life, it’s often easier to write about your negative points than the positive. In fact, I have rambled on about this issue and that problem over and over again. I have never thought what am I good at or what do I value about myself. After a good think, I have a few.

GSOH

I hate the phrase but it’s something people tell me I have. One my joys in life is seeing people laugh and even more so, if I have made them laugh. I like the feeling of making someone happy even if it’s for just a few seconds.

I learnt this skill at school. I was semi bullied in the early years of secondary school and looking back emotionally bullied in later school. Now, at the time you concentrate on the physical rather than the mental bullying and I learnt very quickly you can distract the dumbass with a well place wise crack or joke.

This was mainly successful and from what I have heard a lot of comedians became funny in the same sort of circumstances. I know I am not as funny as them and the thought of doing a one-person show scare the bejesus out of me. Yet, as a group of people on stage I am pretty good. Apparently, it’s in the…

One day I will turn this talent into something other than dealing with awkward situations and before cub, picking up partners. Timing.

Being odd

Similar to above, I guess. I like that I am a little odd and not wallpaper. I like being the one talking in a weird strange accent in the office and people looking at me like I am losing my marbles. Life is too short to be boring and normal, embrace the weird. Embrace me!

The oddness in me helps me come up with different and usual ways to problem solve which in my work life has been a real asset. I work for an organisation which has seen its budget cut and cut. So, finding new and different ways to do things has meant my team have continued to succeed.

It’s hard to quantify the full oddness in me, but I cherish it a lot more than something I can do or somethings I would love to do

Kink

I know kink encompasses lots of different things and means different things to different people. For me it’s less of the act and more of the deeper connection to be in a kinky relationship, especially with cub.

BK (before kink) I would often feel sex is ok, nothing special. Never really got the fascination with it. Sure, it felt good to cum. It felt good to be close to someone, but it didn’t make me anymore happy than a good beer, movie or music track. It was just ok. Then Kink came into my life.

I do have issues with feeling a little inadequate at times, the self-doubt creeps into my world. Yet I know deep down I must be doing something right. I must be making people happy when I play with them. I know cub thinks I am amazing and I make her feel amazing. I know this cos she tells me a lot, so maybe I should listen to her!

Others

I could go on about all the things I think I am good at but that would sound boastful and so not me. Besides this isn’t a job interview… well I hope not. Here are a few things which I value but don’t need or demand a great deal of explanation, in a list form. Deal with it.

  • Being a great parent to my kids
  • A am excellent at Sensible Soccer on the Amiga (even though I am not into football)
  • Sorting out other people’s technology issues. (first person people call for that kind of help)
  • Roast potatoes (maybe this requires more explanation)
  • My Job (not that management they fully realise but my co-workers do)
  • Looking like I am working when I am not really (could explain above)
  • The Spotify Game* (when it’s the original track, I am stuffed if it’s a cover)
  • Lists (ok I am stopping here)

Being positive about one’s self is probably a good thing. It’s not very British I must admit. We do not like to boast or show how good we are at something but we maybe should do this more. I am interested to see what cub comes up with.

Genric Thumbs up as seen in your colleagues presentation, newsletter etc.

 

*It’s kind of name that tune but with access to 20 million tracks.

I also hope you all got the timing joke. 

Things I value about myself…

This one has been incredibly difficult to tackle. I wouldn’t bother with it if I were you. I’m not happy with it, and wouldn’t post it if I didn’t have to. I’m hoping to rewrite it in a week or two. Come back then.

I had no idea where to begin (still don’t, as you can probably tell) and have made several attempts only to find myself looking at a blank screen for forty minutes, then giving up. Bear was fully aware I was going to struggle with this one when he set it, and I’m sure that was his intention. We both dwell on our negatives, or what we perceive to be our negatives, far too much.

Trouble is, thinking about how to write this post has had me thinking about all the traits I value in others, and would value in myself, except when I think about it I don’t really have it, or at least not in any great measure. I don’t want this to turn into a list of things I don’t like about myself. That isn’t what Bear wants from me, and wouldn’t be much fun for you, Dear Reader.

I don’t know how to do this without it sounding like I’m boasting. This isn’t something I’m good at. Ok, here goes….

I’m a good mum. I’m far from perfect, but my kid is pretty awesome so I must be doing a good job. He has his moments, but he has a good heart and can be so incredibly thoughtful.

That’s it. That’s all I have on my list. There are other things I would like to think I possess, but for each one I can only think of the times I have failed. Kindness, loyalty, generosity, honesty, my submission, patience, bravery…. I want to be better than I am. I want to be proud of myself, and like myself more.

There we go, my car-crash of a blog post. Sorry, but I did warn you. I’ll do better next month.

The Bucket list

Now I am not talking the 2007 Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman movie. Nether am I talking about my favorite buckets in order of beauty. Of course, I am talking about the list of things I hope to do before one kicks the bucket, shuffles of my mortal coil or pushes up daises (again not the 2007-08 Ana Frial TV series)

When I decided on this as a prompt I thought it would be rather easy. Sure, I could talk about the usual, see Machu Picchu, swim with dolphins or swim naked in marmite, but I want to be different. I wanted to talk about my sexual bucket list.

Now I have sat here and thought about what I haven’t done and what I would like to do, it’s a bit harder than I expected. Then the ones I do think about are a little corny or very boring. Which has got me thinking, am I boring?

I could bluff my way out and say that, “Well I have achieved all I want to in my sex life” but that’s not true. I could say that well I don’t want to do anything, I am happy as I am, which is true but not really in the spirit of things.

  1. MFF (I never know how you should organise the letters, I presume you go first) yeah, it’s a classic or it is a cliché. Either way it’s something I would like to do. Clearly, they would both be submissive. There is no way I am being the meat in a girl sandwich…. Well in that way anyway
  2. MFFF, well once you’ve had two I presume you get greedy.
  3. To watch a live sex show, ideally kinky fucking. There is a big voyeur part of me which would like to see people have kinky sex. There are elements which take place at the events we attend but I have yet to find the full on kinky fuckfest. I also think this kind of applies to 1 and 2. Watching cub be fucked by another girl certainly ticks a lot of boxes.
  4. To live with cub. Living miles apart is just harsh on the soul, the body and the mind. To have her 24/7 would be just wonderful and would fill me with happiness.

Just 4 that’s not good is it. I have an idea why this list is a little short, cub. It’s all cub’s fault. She is just wonderful and amazing and has ticked a lot of things off my list I don’t even know was on the list. Fingers crossed she will help me tick of more… somehow