Jealous of the moon

As has often been discussed (most recently on the excellent LovingBDSM podcast) jealousy is a symptom of insecurity. The manifestation of our fears that our partners will find something in another person that we cannot provide. For some people, that insecurity means they can’t stand for their partner to speak to, compliment, or even look at another person of their preferred gender.

As participants in a relationship, we have a responsibility to demonstrate to our partners that they matter to us, and that our heads will not be so easily turned, and we also have a responsibility to trust in our partners that they will not stray outside our agreed parameters. If one party has become so insecure that they simply do not trust the other, to me this is indicative of a deeply unhealthy relationship, on both sides.

That is not to say that every relationship with insecurities is an unhealthy one. People who have been betrayed in the past will naturally find it difficult to trust again. Of course, their partners should be aware of this and they should work together to build that trust in spite of those insecurities. If my last partner cheated on me, I would hope that my current partner would be mindful of this and not give me any reason to doubt them. Equally, I should be mindful that my insecurities from a previous partner should not be laid at the feet of my current one every time he has to text Leanne from the office.

To the best of my knowledge, I have never been cheated on. However, I have been through several abusive relationships that have left my self-esteem in tatters. Interestingly, this never manifested itself as insecurity during my previous relationships, or at least I never worried that they would cheat on me, primarily because, well… who else would have them? Who else would be that stupid to get involved with such narcissistic, selfish, soul-destroying personality-vacuums? Only me.

But despite knowing that they were full of shit, they still left me feeling there was a list of reasons why nobody would be that enamored with me. I was awkward, weird and boring. I was both stupid and a know-it-all (because abuse is always lose/lose). I was expensive, and needed to be financially subsidised because of my frivolous spending. I embarrassed them. I would “do”, but I was difficult to love. So while I never worried that they would actually cheat on me, there was always that feeling that they felt they were doing me a favour by being with me. A favour that might easily stop. This feeling stayed much longer than they did.

When I met Bear, the things were a little bit different. I had been single for a few years, which had actually done wonders for my self-confidence. I knew I wasn’t incapable, and that a high proportion of my insecurities were a direct result of their bullshit and not anything wrong with me. After my marriage, I knew I wasn’t prepared to be stuck in a relationship with somebody who didn’t really seem to like me all that much.

My early encounters with the Doms of Twitter had shown me what sort of good men were out there, but also what sort of narcissists, abusers and morons were out there too. This gave me quite a well-formed idea about what I wanted, and what I wasn’t prepared to put up with. I was aware of my own insecurities, and I knew that there was no way I could go into anything other than a monogamous relationship.

At the time, Bear identified as poly, so initially neither of us thought we had any chance of a romantic future together. Things evolved for both of us over the next six months, and when we embarked on our relationship four years ago, it was on the understanding that we were monogamous.

Initially, Bear’s recent poly past was a bit of a hurdle for me to get over. He was very open and honest about the ladies he had spent time with, and why he was now happy to be with just me. I struggled to understand. He had only been poly for a short time (for less than a year) after the end of his last long term relationship. I couldn’t make sense of how he could go from just starting to explore his brave new polyamorous world, with all the wondrous variety that entailed, to settling down with little old me. I was shy and awkward, and I felt very inadequate, especially sexually. I knew I had some emotional baggage and I was just starting out as a submissive, I felt I had so much to learn and very little to offer.

He had met and played with experienced subs, confident subs. Women who were in control of their sexuality, understood their bodies and, frankly, could orgasm a hell of a lot easier. Why would he turn down the chance to meet with so many different women who could offer him all the things I couldn’t?

For a long time there is a feeling (never a fear, just an awareness) that he might decide that he regretted limiting his options. But he never gave me any reason to doubt him. He has always been honest with me, even when it was very difficult for him. He makes me communicate with him, even when it is very difficult for me. He understands me, he loves me, and he believes in us.

His motivation is making people happy. I am a big fan of the hypothetical question, and I love digging around in his brain, and he has always made it clear that if I wanted to see other people then he would be absolutely fine with that, as long as it makes me happy. It isn’t something that I want, but I know there is something that he wants.

Like many men, he fantasises about threesomes, about another woman joining us. This is something we have spoken about many times in the past, usually sharing little fantasy scenarios to get each other worked up and horny. More recently, we have been having serious discussions about what it might look like. Initially, I imagined this would take the form of him having a second submissive, something that I didn’t necessarily feel comfortable with. For all the reasons I have gone into above, I do still have insecurities. If Bear had another sub, even if there was some overlap with all three of us together, I think I would be worried about him being pulled in two different directions, and I don’t have enough faith in myself that the pull towards me would be stronger.

However, the idea has evolved to the stage where we are now contemplating finding a girlfriend for us, as a couple. This idea is both alluring and intimidating. I have no sexual experience with the woman, but I have fantasies. I have seen activities at play parties that I would definitely want to be a part of. I am emotionally fulfilled and satisfied with Bear, but I do find the idea of forming an intimate and loving relationship with a woman very appealing.

It’s impossible to know at this stage, but I think that the fact we would be going into this together will calm a lot of my insecurities. He doesn’t want to go looking for something better than me, or something I can’t give him. He wants me with him, for this to be something we do together, because that is what he wants us to be; together.

Maybe I’m being naïve, I don’t know. Maybe the combination of distance and schedules means that we never find somebody who can make this work. Maybe I will be struck down by insecurity and jealousy as soon as I see him kiss another woman, or watch her suck his cock (hey, that’s my job!). Whatever happens, we will be honest with each other. We will trust each other and we will work together, even if that means that we decide not to go down that route. And I have faith in him that he will not pressure me to go into something just because that’s what he wants.

I still have a few insecurities about myself, and I probably always will. But I don’t have insecurities about us.

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Can you see me?

Today is Bi Visibility Day,

To me, bisexuality is one of the least understood and least acknowledged groups under the LGBTQ+ umbrella. There is still much to be done to achieve equality around the world for the entire LGBTQ+ community, and everyone under that umbrella faces ignorance, judgement and potentially persecution from sections of society. Bisexuality comes with it’s own unique obstacle; that of invisibility.

By the very nature of the orientation, bisexuality is so often overlooked, absorbed into other orientations based on someone’s current relationship. Unless they specifically proclaim their bisexuality, anyone in a long-term relationship will be considered either homosexual or heterosexual by the people around them. Essentially, defining a person by their partner’s genitalia rather than the person’s own orientation and desires.

However, by specifically proclaiming your bisexuality, you might face accusations of attention-seeking, trouble-making, and many blank looks.”Why did they feel the needs to tell us?” might be whispered in workplaces and social gatherings. It makes no difference to us, they think. Of course, they probably think they don’t know any other bisexual people, but how would they know?

Even those who aren’t settled in monogamous relationships and are actively dating people of different genders are dismissed as being confused, indecisive and/or promiscuous. They must be either gay or straight, society tells them, and they need to stop flitting about and make up their minds. And society would prefer they picked straight.

The great Henry Rollins once spoke of bisexuality with enthusiasm, referring with a kind of envious awe to a publication he had heard of called “Anything That Moves”. I am sure he never intended to be anything other than supportive and positive, but this sort of thing just perpetuates the myth that bisexual people are indiscriminate, driven by sexual attraction rather than romantic feelings.

While society has come to respect homosexuality as more than just the sexual act, but an orientation on which full and healthy relationships are built, for many people their perception of bisexuality is still focused on whose genitalia is going where.

I know that people can know their own orientation from a very young age. There is an ever-increasing understanding that orientation can be settled and attraction experienced a long time before those feelings become sexual. Unfortunately there are still people who say children can’t identify as gay (or bi) until they are old enough to begin dating and entering into relationships (and some would argue they must wait much later than that) although of course nobody thinks anything unusual of an eleven year old with a heterosexual crush. We do not insist that straight people have to be involved in a romantic or sexual relationship before we believe that they are straight.

Despite knowing this on an intellectual level, I have a problem with identifying as bisexual or heteroflexible. I am in my mid thirties. I have been attracted to women for twenty years, but I have never acted on it before. I have never kissed a woman. I know that I don’t need to, that I don’t need to earn the right to use the label. There is no qualification in being bisexual.

On the other hand, I am conscious of those people who co-opt an idea, who jump on bandwagons to get attention, to feel like they belong, or this unique modern perverse desire to be able to claim you’re being persecuted. The last thing I would want to do is undermine the bisexual community, or minimise the struggles they face. I do not want to be seen as bisexuality’s answer to Rachel Dolezal. I feel that my lack of experience makes any claim that I am bisexual seem misleading.

When Bear and I discussed opening our relationship up to include a third person, we only ever envisaged it being another woman. Initially we talked about the possibility of him having a second submissive for himself, but that soon led to the realisation that what we both wanted to find was a girlfriend.

We are very happy as we are, and we may never meet the right person who would fit with us. I may never kiss a woman. But I know I would like to, I know that I am ready to explore the possibility of having a romantic and sexual relationship with a woman. And really, how else would you describe a person in a relationship with a man, and also wants a relationship with a woman?

Magic Numbers

The number 3

Last weekend was CMnf one of our favourite events to attend, not just for the company but also the sights. What’s not to like about seeing naked ladies and I guess men in suits. Although this time around there was something different.

Having attended these events before and it’s sister events. We have become very used to seeing people play. Not only does it fit into my voyeur kink but also provides an inspiration on things to do to cub.

Yet this time around not only were there the usual kinky activities on male Dom, female sub, there seemed to be an increase in subs playing with other subs. Ranging from a little helping hand to 3 girl shenanigans on a spanking bench. It was all very new and frankly exciting.

This all turned both cub and I on. So much so, cub couldn’t wait to tell me what I missed because of where I was sitting. Saying how much it turned her on and how it played into things we’d discussed previously about inviting a 3rd to join us.

In the past when we’ve talked about this, it’s always been a fantasy. The details and mechanics used to get each other either off or into the mood. The idea that we eventually try and make it happen some distance away. Yet CMnf seems to have awoken the desire to move forward in both of us.

Now that’s all very good but wanting something but getting something is all very different. Where do you start to organise something like this? How do you find the 3rd or unicorn? Who the feck is going to want to do this with us? (yes elements of self doubt always creep in).

Clearly I have zero answers to any of these. The obvious response to some would be try munches, the internet and dating/kink/swinger sites, maybe write a blog post about it. Yet I wouldn’t know where to start.
We don’t want to be that couple that messages every women on the off chance they want what we do. We want something organic I guess. Something we are both happy and comfortable with at every step.

Have you been through something similar? How did you achieve your desired outcome. If you have any ideas please feel free to let us know?

Hirsute Nipple

Hairy Nipple

The theme for this months Sinful Sunday is “Macro” Macro photography is an extreme close-up of a subject that results in an image that shows the object in the image greater than life-size.

So I thought it would be an idea to revel how hairy, Hairy Dom really is. Trust me there is a nipple behind the hair there somewhere.

Of course being male I can get my nips out freely, but few people have seen it this close up.

Sinful Sunday

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?

I was talking with a few people at the munch, and we got on to the subject of fantasists; people who present a fantasy version of their lives as reality on twitter.

Of course, we all have a tendency to exaggerate or downplay certain aspects of our lives and relationships, and we have every right to do so. We are under no obligation to share more than we want to, just because we have a kinky twitter account or a sex blog. But this concerns people who are being outright dishonest, and lying to people who are part of the community.

The romantic, catfish-style deception has been covered by podcasts and blog posts, and we know (in theory at least) the red flags to look out for. We were more concerned with the deceivers who lie to a huge swathe of people, people who consider them friends. The ones who invent an entire fictional life, populated with fictional characters and creating fictional drama to gain attention, sympathy, admiration, followers and blog clicks.
Mentioning no names, of course.
Obviously, there is a mental health aspect for some of the people who do this, while some seem to do it purely for entertainment or the attention; should that change the way we view them and their actions? Does the motivation behind the lies ever excuse them? Regardless of the deceiver’s emotional or mental state, their lies and deceptions are real. The betrayals are real. The damage done to relationships, friendships and reputations is real.
Do we have a responsibility to make our kinky friends and acquaintances aware of our suspicions? Especially considering their reputation within the community might be damaged if they innocently become associated with the deception? If we quietly mention our misgivings to those we trust, we may discover that many other people have reason to share our doubts, or that those doubts were unfounded. What should our threshold of evidence be before we make our reservations known?
How might we warn people who are being deceived without exposing ourselves to accusations of bullying? Nobody wants to see the community torn apart by anonymous “tips” that so-and-so isn’t who they claim to be.
Once a person’s deception has been recognised, how it it best handled? Confront and challenge? Withdraw and disengage? Or carry on as if nothing has changed?
Most importantly, what about the risks involved with those dishonest blogs/tweets being cited by respected community members, unaware of the deception? With the dishonest person being recommended as a knowledgeable resource, when their actual experience is very different to what they “advertise” on their twitter, blogs or websites? Does this put new or naïve people at risk, when they get a portion of their information (or form their expectations) from someone who is posting what is essentially a soap opera? Particularly when they have been directed there by someone who is genuinely respected and trusted within the community, and whose recommendation carries weight. It’s like your trusted family doctor telling you to watch General Hospital for medical advice; at best it’s inappropriate and misleading, at worst it’s downright dangerous.
Well, those are just a few of the points that came up during the discussion, and I certainly would be interested to hear your thoughts, dear reader. Obviously there is a tiny chance that someone reading this might turn out to be one of those deceptive people, but….
Ultimately, we all know how vitally important honesty is, and how a betrayal of trust can damage the community and everyone in it. If we value this community, I believe that we have a responsibility to protect its integrity.
Mentioning no names, of course.