Things I value about myself are….

This month’s prompt was a deliberately chosen to push both cub and I into some deeper writing. It will also mean, if followed to the letter a more open conversation might follow in the post and offline. Then not forgetting cub might realise she is awesome.

In life, it’s often easier to write about your negative points than the positive. In fact, I have rambled on about this issue and that problem over and over again. I have never thought what am I good at or what do I value about myself. After a good think, I have a few.

GSOH

I hate the phrase but it’s something people tell me I have. One my joys in life is seeing people laugh and even more so, if I have made them laugh. I like the feeling of making someone happy even if it’s for just a few seconds.

I learnt this skill at school. I was semi bullied in the early years of secondary school and looking back emotionally bullied in later school. Now, at the time you concentrate on the physical rather than the mental bullying and I learnt very quickly you can distract the dumbass with a well place wise crack or joke.

This was mainly successful and from what I have heard a lot of comedians became funny in the same sort of circumstances. I know I am not as funny as them and the thought of doing a one-person show scare the bejesus out of me. Yet, as a group of people on stage I am pretty good. Apparently, it’s in the…

One day I will turn this talent into something other than dealing with awkward situations and before cub, picking up partners. Timing.

Being odd

Similar to above, I guess. I like that I am a little odd and not wallpaper. I like being the one talking in a weird strange accent in the office and people looking at me like I am losing my marbles. Life is too short to be boring and normal, embrace the weird. Embrace me!

The oddness in me helps me come up with different and usual ways to problem solve which in my work life has been a real asset. I work for an organisation which has seen its budget cut and cut. So, finding new and different ways to do things has meant my team have continued to succeed.

It’s hard to quantify the full oddness in me, but I cherish it a lot more than something I can do or somethings I would love to do

Kink

I know kink encompasses lots of different things and means different things to different people. For me it’s less of the act and more of the deeper connection to be in a kinky relationship, especially with cub.

BK (before kink) I would often feel sex is ok, nothing special. Never really got the fascination with it. Sure, it felt good to cum. It felt good to be close to someone, but it didn’t make me anymore happy than a good beer, movie or music track. It was just ok. Then Kink came into my life.

I do have issues with feeling a little inadequate at times, the self-doubt creeps into my world. Yet I know deep down I must be doing something right. I must be making people happy when I play with them. I know cub thinks I am amazing and I make her feel amazing. I know this cos she tells me a lot, so maybe I should listen to her!

Others

I could go on about all the things I think I am good at but that would sound boastful and so not me. Besides this isn’t a job interview… well I hope not. Here are a few things which I value but don’t need or demand a great deal of explanation, in a list form. Deal with it.

  • Being a great parent to my kids
  • A am excellent at Sensible Soccer on the Amiga (even though I am not into football)
  • Sorting out other people’s technology issues. (first person people call for that kind of help)
  • Roast potatoes (maybe this requires more explanation)
  • My Job (not that management they fully realise but my co-workers do)
  • Looking like I am working when I am not really (could explain above)
  • The Spotify Game* (when it’s the original track, I am stuffed if it’s a cover)
  • Lists (ok I am stopping here)

Being positive about one’s self is probably a good thing. It’s not very British I must admit. We do not like to boast or show how good we are at something but we maybe should do this more. I am interested to see what cub comes up with.

Genric Thumbs up as seen in your colleagues presentation, newsletter etc.

 

*It’s kind of name that tune but with access to 20 million tracks.

I also hope you all got the timing joke. 

Things I value about myself…

This one has been incredibly difficult to tackle. I wouldn’t bother with it if I were you. I’m not happy with it, and wouldn’t post it if I didn’t have to. I’m hoping to rewrite it in a week or two. Come back then.

I had no idea where to begin (still don’t, as you can probably tell) and have made several attempts only to find myself looking at a blank screen for forty minutes, then giving up. Bear was fully aware I was going to struggle with this one when he set it, and I’m sure that was his intention. We both dwell on our negatives, or what we perceive to be our negatives, far too much.

Trouble is, thinking about how to write this post has had me thinking about all the traits I value in others, and would value in myself, except when I think about it I don’t really have it, or at least not in any great measure. I don’t want this to turn into a list of things I don’t like about myself. That isn’t what Bear wants from me, and wouldn’t be much fun for you, Dear Reader.

I don’t know how to do this without it sounding like I’m boasting. This isn’t something I’m good at. Ok, here goes….

I’m a good mum. I’m far from perfect, but my kid is pretty awesome so I must be doing a good job. He has his moments, but he has a good heart and can be so incredibly thoughtful.

That’s it. That’s all I have on my list. There are other things I would like to think I possess, but for each one I can only think of the times I have failed. Kindness, loyalty, generosity, honesty, my submission, patience, bravery…. I want to be better than I am. I want to be proud of myself, and like myself more.

There we go, my car-crash of a blog post. Sorry, but I did warn you. I’ll do better next month.

The Bucket list

Now I am not talking the 2007 Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman movie. Nether am I talking about my favorite buckets in order of beauty. Of course, I am talking about the list of things I hope to do before one kicks the bucket, shuffles of my mortal coil or pushes up daises (again not the 2007-08 Ana Frial TV series)

When I decided on this as a prompt I thought it would be rather easy. Sure, I could talk about the usual, see Machu Picchu, swim with dolphins or swim naked in marmite, but I want to be different. I wanted to talk about my sexual bucket list.

Now I have sat here and thought about what I haven’t done and what I would like to do, it’s a bit harder than I expected. Then the ones I do think about are a little corny or very boring. Which has got me thinking, am I boring?

I could bluff my way out and say that, “Well I have achieved all I want to in my sex life” but that’s not true. I could say that well I don’t want to do anything, I am happy as I am, which is true but not really in the spirit of things.

  1. MFF (I never know how you should organise the letters, I presume you go first) yeah, it’s a classic or it is a cliché. Either way it’s something I would like to do. Clearly, they would both be submissive. There is no way I am being the meat in a girl sandwich…. Well in that way anyway
  2. MFFF, well once you’ve had two I presume you get greedy.
  3. To watch a live sex show, ideally kinky fucking. There is a big voyeur part of me which would like to see people have kinky sex. There are elements which take place at the events we attend but I have yet to find the full on kinky fuckfest. I also think this kind of applies to 1 and 2. Watching cub be fucked by another girl certainly ticks a lot of boxes.
  4. To live with cub. Living miles apart is just harsh on the soul, the body and the mind. To have her 24/7 would be just wonderful and would fill me with happiness.

Just 4 that’s not good is it. I have an idea why this list is a little short, cub. It’s all cub’s fault. She is just wonderful and amazing and has ticked a lot of things off my list I don’t even know was on the list. Fingers crossed she will help me tick of more… somehow

Kick the bucket 

I am unconvinced by the idea of bucket lists. I understand the reasoning behind them; compiling a list makes us more likely to put in the effort to achieve our goals, rather than just having some vague intentions. But do they really?
With no reason to believe we are running out of time, don’t we all still put things off for another day? Instead of being a list of things to get on with and do before it’s too late, don’t most people treat them as things we intend to get round to?
Equally, where is the fun in completing a checklist? The fun comes from the experiences, the stories around them. The fuck-ups and mistakes and sometimes-stupid decisions that lead us there. Those are the evidence of a life well lived, not ticks next to a list. I could bungee jump tomorrow, but it could be a fraction of the enjoyment or change my life significantly less than the conversation I might have with a stranger the day after. A full life should be unpredictable and spontaneous. The people who restrict themselves to a list are choking all the adventure out of life in the persuit of that very thing. What if you are so focused on crossing one thing off the list, you miss the opportunity for something different? Better? Something you never saw coming?

Can you imagine finishing the list? Thinking “yep, I think I’ve done it all. Nothing else for me here”? Such a list can never be completed manually, should never be completed.

Since this is a BDSM blog, I suppose the question is what would be on my kinky bucket list? A fucket list, if you will. It must have gone through my Bear’s mind when he set this prompt. There are a few things that spring to mind right away, like anal sex. We did make a list when we first got together, but that was more of a ‘getting to know you and your kinks’ exercise than a proper bucket list. It was pretty basic, but confirmed we wanted to try the same things. I think we have done everything on that now, except anal.

There are some things that come up regularly when we talk about fantasies, most prominently the idea of a threesome, with Bear domming me and another female sub. We both find the idea incredibly arousing and erotic, but I don’t know if I would want to give it bucket list status. Firstly, it’s dependent on finding the third party, something that is out of our control. We know how rare ladies like that are, never mind finding someone we would be comfortable with. Also, if we do ever meet a person who might be inclined to join us, I think knowing it’s on the bucket list would just take some of the fun out of it, and maybe increase the pressure on one, or both (or all three). I would want the situation to evolve naturally, with the right motivations, and not because someone wants to cross it off their list. Lists aren’t sexy.

Free Porn

The one with the naked ladies

There is an episode of friends which doesn’t get shown very often. It’s called “the one with the free porn”

Plot

Chandler and Joey find free porn while flipping through TV channels. After hearing the sad experience from Treeger, who once had free porn and switched it off never to get it back again, the guys resolve not to turn off the TV no matter what. Hilarity ensues with the 6, somehow rich, New Yorkers.

Now why have I mentioned this. Well, in the episode after watching so much porn the boys find it hard to adapt to reality. In so far as no one is fucking at every opportunity. The lady in the laundry room doesn’t get naked and pleasure them etc. The pizza delivery guy doesn’t have a massive cock. This is how I felt after our visit to a clothed male, naked female party a few weeks ago.

Yes, this is a thing and I’ll be honest it’s a wondrous thing. Not just for the nudity, which is obviously good, but that there was a clear sense of roles. There was no denying that the situation forces this distinction between the sexes, making it evident who is in control. The men in their suits and the women in their birthday suits.

Having attended less dramatic events at this venue before it was a baptism of fire to be greeted by three nude ladies. There certainly was no easing in, it really was all or nothing and cub seemed to take it all in her stride.

Leading up to the event, cub was very worried about how she looked and how she would be while there. From my point of view, I think she is amazing. Not only for agreeing to do it, but just getting on with it. Sure, there were some nerves in the car park before we went in, but when in, she was a champion and just got on with it. No hesitation that I could see. Kit off and smile on.

As I said there is a clear definition of who was in charge. No ambiguity at all. I have to say, I had similar feelings. It was very powerful seeing all these subs being subby. All these doms being domly. Not only does it tick the right boxes in my head but also the other boxes in my… well you can figure that out. I can’t put my finger on one thing that caused it but a culmination I guess.

One part is with the higher protocol came much more playing, from the usual equipment use (which we will make use of next time we are there) to some free form caning play, to subs kneeling next to their Doms etc This gave the place a very different vibe. A much heavier emphasis on roles than at the other social event.

The other part is how proud I was and still am of cub. I know this is not one of her kinks, and I feel like I talked her into it a little. Yet she was a champion and just got on with it. No sense of hesitation or angst, just a smile. I now know she must have enjoyed it as she was emailing about the next one on the way home!

On the way home and at home, we had some brief chats about the event and what we thought of it all, but at the time it was still quite new and I don’t think we had really formulated our thoughts or ideas on it yet. Besides we ended up getting a little drunk as we both had the next day off 🙂

This also lead me to odd thing after, besides the not seeing naked people everywhere, I wanted to tell people what I had seen and done. I wanted to let people know that this is a thing and it’s bloody marvelous. I have never wanted to do that before. Maybe it is down to it being so unusual or that it just felt right, I don’t know but the want to confess was strong but not followed through with.

Overall, would I recommended it? Well yes, I certainly would. I cannot wait for the next one. So much so, I might make cub stay in the nude all weekend, if the weather picks up that is. As a cold cub is a grumpy cub and we don’t want that. Besides we have some new cups to play with. (see here)

 

Pink bits

I’m sure that everyone who reads this blog knows what Bear and I were doing two weeks ago. An event we enjoy has a sister event; one where the Doms wear suits, and the subs wear nothing. The rules are very strict, and we were advised this was a higher-protocol event than the one we had attended previously. This alone made me a little apprehensive. We are not a protocol couple, and I was briefly concerned that a more formal atmosphere combined with the nervous nudity would make conversation difficult for me. Ultimately, we are us and we work, and I couldn’t imagine the awesome people we socialise with at these events being all stiff and stuffy. Well, maybe stiff… 

Bear had expressed interest in the event when we first found out about it. I admit, the idea never really appealed to me. I get no sexual thrill out of being naked in public. I understand the power dynamic and why he likes the idea, but I couldn’t get passed the fact that I didn’t want strangers seeing all my wobbly bits. But we enjoyed the other events, and we would be with the same wonderful people. And I love doing things for him. I might not get a thrill out if it, but if he does then I want to make it happen. It was also an opportunity to grow, to push myself to try something that scared me, to make him proud of me. Molly and Bee were very encouraging, and I won’t pretend that a few glasses of wine didn’t help.

So I dieted, I waxed, and I worried about my shoes, and I sat nervously in the car park watching other people going in. Then, it was time. Once through the door, we saw a row of gorgeous naked ladies and I was suddenly very aware that I would soon be just as exposed as them. As Bear waited for me outside the locker room, I decided the easiest way to stop being nervous was to just stop thinking about what I was about to do, and get on with it. I had known what I was getting myself into, after all. And all the ladies were going to be in the same boat. So, knickers down, dress over my head, everything stuffed into the locker and out I went, resolutely not thinking about the fact that anyone who cared to look would see everything. 

The events we attend are wonderful. They’re well-organised, friendly and welcoming, with a really lovely relaxed atmosphere. They are fun. The venue is great (although those decorative ladies with the suspiciously vertical nipples are definitely not to my taste) and very well run. It all felt remarkably normal very quickly, although there were a few unexpected considerations. A naked sub sitting on a cold leather sofa makes some interesting noises. A leather sofa that has had a naked sub sat in it for an hour or so also makes some interesting noises, and leaves some interesting marks. There were a surprising number of different approaches to being naked. When I was first considering attending CMnf, a Dom friend of mine teasingly said that subs take a long time deciding what to wear to the event. The shoes, the jewellery, the hats, the gloves… All needed to be carefully considered. When I was choosing my footwear for the day, I discovered he had only been half joking. I had decided that if I was going to be naked, I may as well get on with it and be naked. So I wore my collar, my day collar (a bracelet cuff I never take off) some nipple jewellery, and sandals. Other subs wore leather cuffs, stockings, body chains, they draped scarves and little shawls over shoulders or around hips. But every lady embraced the spirit of the event and was intimately exposed. 

My concerns about the formality of the occasion were unfounded. While there were some guests who were more focused on kneeling and protocol, there were plenty of people who were there to relax and enjoy the company of other like-minded kinky people. Michael very kindly let us try a few suction cups, which was fascinating and left some lovely marks. Not something I had really considered trying before, but we love sensation play and these are amazing. Bear loves things that make me go “Oooh!” which these certainly did. We now have our own set. 

Bear and I have not really had a chance to talk about the event in much detail, other than to agree that we had a wonderful time and will definitely be attending the next one. I hope it lived up to his expectations. I hope I did. I hope he is proud of me. We will talk about it this weekend. Until then, my lasting impression of the afternoon is of the submissives. We love our Doms and appreciate all they do for us, but I couldn’t help thinking about how much I value getting to know other subs. We are amazing. We are supportive and brave. We encourage and inspire each other. We come in all shapes and sizes, and we are all gorgeous and sexy. We are often hilarious and always fascinating and articulate. We stand naked in a draught to get food for our fully clothed and sweltering Doms, because we love doing things for them. It would probably sound ridiculous to anyone outside BDSM, but it’s part of who we are and I think we’re brilliant. 

The Weakness In Me

I was stuck on this prompt for a long time, with no idea what to write about. I know my Bear makes the prompts intentionally vague at times, and wants to hear my interpretation, rather than providing me with a specific area to focus on as he did last month. I know this, but I couldn’t help staring at the screen wondering over and over what he meant by those words. People talk about weaknesses all the time. I have a well-known weakness for cake, and something of a reputation among friends and family. Somehow, I don’t think this is the sort of thing he meant.I have a similar reputation for the deep and abiding love I share with my duvet. This one is a genuine issue, as I frequently fall asleep ridiculously early in the evening, effectively standing him up for phone calls and dates with John Oliver. While this is something I feel desperately guilty about, I can’t help feeling this isn’t quite the sort of weakness I want to be writing about.

I have written before that I have bouts of nocturnal anxiety. I write this very post at four in the morning after being woken up by some unprompted flash of dread that something from my past (what, exactly? My brain refuses to tell me) will catch up with me and I’ll be arrested and impoverished and lose my son and all manner of terrible things. While I struggle to be rational, and talk myself down in the hope of getting back to sleep, I am not completely comfortable thinking of this as a weakness. That sort of thinking is unhelpful, and in cases of legitimate mental health issues like depression it can be positively dangerous. Spending huge chunks of my nights drenched in unease is frustrating, inconvenient, and incredibly tiring, but it is not a weakness.

My weakness is doubt. Doubt in myself, doubts that I am what he wants, what he needs. I worry that I won’t be enough, and he’ll want to try being poly again. That I’m not sexy enough, adventurous enough. That there’s not enough of me to go round and I have to choose between being a rubbish sub/girlfriend or being a crap mum. That I’m boring, and awkward. That the distance and time apart is too much, that he doesn’t want to waste five, seven, maybe ten more years on someone he only sees for a few days a month. That my blog posts are self-indulgent, whiney waffle.

I know he loves me, and that he’s proud of me. He has never said or done anything to make me think this way. He is wonderful and affectionate and tells me regularly, even daily, how much he loves me. I’m so lucky. I shouldn’t think like this. But sometimes I do, and it’s definitely a weakness.